Long-Distance Online Dating Can Be Successful

     This is a favourite quote of a good friend of mine which I have made my favourite. Are you still single and searching? Have you cast your net wide enough to catch the special ‘fish’? Have you considered online dating from a long-distance? Is it worth it? What about Online Dating? What if I tell you it’s possible to be successful with online dating? I am no psychologist or relationships expect but I have developed some key points from my personal experience and that of people I know personally, who are happily married to spouses they only met online. I wish to show you what and what not to do and hopefully you might learn a thing or two, if you find yourself in that situation.

       This is no claim that meeting online is better than meeting someone offline. This is just a claim that there is no guarantee that someone you met offline would not hurt you as much as someone you met online. The fact is that, people would hurt you if they would, even if you sleep on the same bed every night with them and you would still never know. It’s just a fact of life. Before I proceed further, let me say that, this is not for online scam artists (a whole subject on its own to be tackled soon), paedophiles, human traffickers or any form of abusers who give online meeting a bad name. This is for the good and genuine hearts who keep an open-mind about finding a soul mate. Technology has made us neighbours and since there would be no looking back we might as well take full advantage of it. Logically, if we feel comfortable enough to initially meet people online for networking purposes and for business connections, why are we afraid of meeting a soul mate online? Believe me, I have made some very wonderful friends online that I have never met in real life. We may meet in real life one day or we may not but I can confidently tell you that I know some of them more than I know some members of my family. I also have several real stories of people I know who have been very successful with people they met online from long-distance. I have learnt a lot of lessons along the way and that is why I wish to share them so pay rapt attention. There are lots of negatives in dating online from a distance but for now I would share only the positives and how you should go about it. Check out the negatives here negatives on online long distance dating, before you decide if it’s for you. Apparently though, there are some awesome statistics on online dating out there by the UChigacoNews that you should check out:(http://news.uchicago.edu/article/2013/06/03/meeting-online-leads-happier-more-enduring-marriages). All hope is not lost.

FRIENDSHIP FIRST

    Strike a friendship first. There is absolutely no way you should see a picture of someone online and conclude that you want to date them. The picture may be fake (there are lots of fake pictures online). What you see may not be what you get but then again you should also question your motives if you’re interested in only looks. Friendship is the way to start. Just strike a simple friendship with no strings attached and find out if the person you’re talking to is real; real because, there are lots of ‘bots’ spammers and scammers online who use chat apps and dating sites to defraud people. To test if you’re talking to a real person, send not less than five short messages asking them of their interests, location, age and what they do. If you get reasonable answers, then you know you are talking to a real person. You can now move off the site and get on a chat app like Skype. Do some mutual picture sharing (no nudes please). Finally verify if they are real with a video call and if you’re convinced you are interested proceed. Don’t force it, let everything follow a natural sequence and in time you if you find compatibility, you would establish some emotional connection.

COMMUNICATION

    The success or otherwise of making a great connection with someone online boils down to good communication as it is with all good relationships in life. However this situation by my experience requires a more special form of communication. I break it down into emotional and physical. The fact is that, you can only have an emotional connection in such a situation which is actually a good thing because it’s the foundation on which you can start building a good relationship. The physical is equally important but the emotional precedes it in this situation. You see, you are distances apart; you are not next door neighbours where it would be possible to know each other’s daily routine, possibly even live in different time zones. Therefore, it is very important to inform each other on your routines as you become close. However ensure that you don’t smother each other with too much information. Under this, I suggest you the following actions:

a)      VIDEO CALLS: Fix comfortable times to meet online for video calls. For example, it’s important to know when each of you is available for video calls. Video calls via any of the free technology apps available to all.  Be warned though, don’t do this daily. Be honest about who you are as much as possible and avoid the temptation of lying. Lies would catch up with you and destroy what you’re genuinely building. For example, if you do not have a job and you are asked about it, be honest.

b)      PHONE CALLS: Same as video calling, schedule occasional phone calls; weekends probably the best time. Hearing each other’s voice every now and then deepens the emotional connection and strengthens the long-distance bond. If you have a good voice and you’re both romantics, occasionally sing your favourite songs to each other. If that’s impossible play each other’s favourite songs every now and then in the background whilst you have a phone conversation. This is very important. If by any means one of you, for any reason cannot take a call at a scheduled time, send a quick email or text message to inform the other and give a good reason.

c)      EROTIC EMAILS: Ordinarily, I would not recommend this until you have met each other offline yet circumstances still prevents you from living together permanently. However, if you have not met offline yet but you have struck great chemistry, you are both adventurous, open-minded and comfortable with it, then it is fine to explore with some erotic email. Spice things up after you have established a good connection with these types emails to each other. Be creative and romantic if you have to be and hardcore if you have to be. I do not recommend sending nude photos of yourself. In my experience, what this form of communication does is that, it builds a good physical rapport and great anticipation for when you eventually meet in real life. It is however never a perfect substitute for the real thing, take note.

d)     SNAIL MAIL: Oh yes, good old snail mail comes in handy in long-distance dating. In my opinion, it’s probably the best way to seal an emotional connection in long-distance dating. If you were born in the late 90s and upwards, you would remember when in high school you just couldn’t wait to receive that valentine’s card in your mail box or when you wrote a letter to a special someone spiced with all those ridiculous phrases like “You’re the only sugar in my coffee”? The letter that you crafted a heart shaped sign at the end and sprayed the paper with perfume?? Yeah you’re shaking your head, huh? Snail mail enables you the feel of each other’s invisible presence. Make it even better by attaching inexpensive exotic gifts for each other from your respective locations. See what I mean?

e)      CULTURAL SHOCK: Finally in communicating, I suggest you play the cultural shock game with each other. By cultural shock, I mean some of the things your online date may find strange in your culture should he/she visit you today. Feel comfortable introducing and making light-hearted fun at some of the things they would find strange about your culture. Also encourage them to do same. This will go a long way in helping lower or raise your expectation and reduce the shocks of learning a new culture. It will also help you know whether you are comfortable enough to proceed and meet finally.

GOALS AND DEADLINE

    Finally, set a goal on when you want to meet and assiduously work towards that goal. If you live cities or states apart, things may be a lot easier but if you live in different countries you may have to work a lot harder and help each other as well. Be clear on how you wish this to be - do you become exclusive or would both of you prefer to continue dating others or remain just friends until you meet in real life? If you live countries apart and you are willing to give a real meeting a try set a number of years within which you must meet. If you’re both working, start saving some money immediately towards that goal. When one falls along the way help him/her and also update each other on the progress made. This can be a really difficult one because a lot can happen along the way like illness and accidents so be prepared for anything. It’s also possible that one partner might have a change of heart for many reasons. Maybe they met someone else or possibly they required immediate physical closeness to fall in love. Just be prepared for anything and when it happens, pick yourself up again and still keep your options open. Don't say online dating is bad because of one experience because you never know who you might meet. Afterall if it’s meant to be it will be, anyway.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: (I AM SCREAMING THIS ONE OUT VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY LOUDLY): DO NOT AND I MEAN DO NOT BY ANY MEANS SEND MONEY TO ANY ONE YOU HAVE NOT MET IN REAL LIFE, NOT EVEN IF YOU HAD A LIVE VIDEO CALL SESSION WITH HIM IN WHICH HE HAD AN AL QAEDAMILLITANT HOLDING A GUN TO HIS HEAD. Also, if you receive an email from someone online, claiming to be a US marine stationed somewhere and would be coming home soon and he/she is looking to find love, the probability that it’s a scam is very high, becareful. I have personally saved a few people from this situation who weren’t sure who they were talking to so I know what I am talking about. I have an example in my other blog on the downside of online dating. Now, this is different from sending money at your own free will to help the other in some way without being asked. You should be suspicious of someone who always tries to bring money in to every conversation, anyway. Be smart!!

     The whole point to this is that in order to find love, you need to keep your options open and not rigidly stick to your old conservative style. The world is one place now so prejudice will only limit your chances. Get to know people, get to know different cultures and you will learn a lot in life and you will be surprised at the happiness you would discover. Afterall, how many people do you meet in real life daily? Besides, are you willing to date all of them? Truth be told, finding the one you’re compatible with for a long lasting relationship online is not an easy task. At the same time it can be easy if we understand that no one is perfect and we need to compromise in order to live a long lasting fulfilling love life. If you have an online love success or any nagging questions, I would be honoured to hear it. Feel free to share. Enjoy loving!!